Half a Step Over

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Not Really for the Military

A couple of years ago, the military ended its “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy. Not an insignificant accomplishment considering how many military leaders stood up to disagree with abolishing it, but a huge victory for those in favor of its demise. Now, it’s generally said that the end of the policy did not cause any big problems among the men and women already serving, and those caught in its teeth can live openly while serving their country.

But there’s another use for “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.” Do you have a college student? You might know what I mean.

In the late ‘90s I sent my older daughter off to college. The economy was different then, and I firmly believed that sending someone away for that part of their education, if financially feasible, was a good idea. She went to a school in upstate New York that I could get to within a few hours from my home in northern New Jersey, and learned to live on her own, handle her own work, and in general, figure out how to get along with a much more diverse population than she knew where she had grown up. To this day, I believe it’s a good idea for a student to go away if the costs can be handled.

But her living far away also made me realize some things. The phone rings at 2 a.m. My first thought is that someone is hurt—or even dead. But no, it’s a boy issue. Do I really want to know? Not really. She has to figure out her social life. Did I even ask? Well, yes, the next afternoon, when I had both eyes open. If she wakes me up for that, I have a right to ask more questions. Notice, I didn’t ask in the first place.  I wanted her to have a good social life, although not at the expense of her grades, but I wasn’t going to ask about it. And I really didn’t want her to tell me too much unless she was heading for trouble.

My children know that I’ve always been there to listen to both the good and the bad. And that I have the right to offer an opinion even if one is not requested. But if I don’t ask about something, and you don’t want to tell me about it, then there’s no harm. At least not for the small stuff. Obviously, if you’re hurt, or sick, you should tell, but I still try not to ask too many questions unless I detect something in the conversation that is bothering one of them. Then, I might poke—or shove—at it a bit. I like to think I know when to back off.

So, I think “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” might have two audiences. I’m all in favor of the military accepting the homosexual population into its ranks. Knowing every little nuance of my daughers’, or anyone else’s, life, is not necessary. If I don’t ask, think carefully before telling me.

And the new rule is: if it’s after midnight, someone really needs to be dead, or very sick, before you call me. Otherwise, the answer you get probably won’t make a lot of sense--or could be something you weren't expecting.