Just Listening

I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again, I seem to be regarded as a bit of a therapist and sometimes mentor by some of my friends. Today’s world isn’t easy. With all of the technology and the constant need to produce—even very young school children have homework, some of it intense—people, at least those in my age group, seem to have a much greater need to talk…about themselves, their lives, what’s wrong with the world.

 I’m not sure when I turned into the therapist of choice. I think it’s because I am a pretty good listener, and usually don’t offer an opinion unless I’m asked. But be prepared for my answer when you ask me for comment. I’ve been known to let someone have it.

A friend of mine is what I would call a serial dater. She’s on several online dating sites and goes out frequently. But I’ve been noticing that by the third date she usually finds something wrong with the guy. On the whole, I think she has a tendency to pick the wrong guys. But, she also nitpicks. The guy who spent several years in jail and had a lot of tattoos? He finished the jail term years ago and now runs a very successful--and legal—business. Whatever happened way back when is not important. The abundance of tattoos? Okay, I’m a little weirded out by those too, but he wore long sleeves on your dates, so I think he knows that people are bothered by them.

Don’t like your job and have interviewed for another one that’s easier to get to—a bonus in this job market? Be careful. The friend who asked you in to interview on a pro forma basis has then turned on you before. Personally, I don’t trust her to follow through on it--and I’ve said so. Heard this story before, with a lot of the same players. As it is said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different response. Same goes for the serial job searcher. Very picky in what they want to do. Unfortunately the job specs for what you’ve done for years have changed, and recruiters don’t look past the education line. I don’t know what you should be doing, but maybe it’s time to either rework the resume or look for another route around it. I can’t change the specs.

The Other Side 

But there is another question in this. If I listen to all of you, repeatedly, wouldn’t it be nice if you offered to listen to me babble along on what’s bothering me? Guess not. I’ve tried to get someone to listen every so often, but apparently no one wants to hear anyone else’s problems unless they can respond by relating it to their own problems and successfully turning the conversation back to themselves. Really? Personally, I think that’s rather selfish. No one in the world has no problems. Next time, perhaps listen to others; you never know, you might learn something that you can use, without making the conversation all about you.

So, let’s talk about me…. Anyone out there? Hello?

Friend as Therapist         

Are you the class listener? The kid who didn’t talk a lot but sat and listened to everyone expound on school subjects, hair, who was dating whom? Maybe you were the person in the background doing a lot of the basic work so others could swoop in for the big picture? Now that you’re all grown up, are you the person people talk to—because you already know how to listen? I am.

There are talkers, and there are listeners. I’m in the second group. I also know how to keep my mouth shut, as in I try not to offer a lot of advice, and I don’t tell others about you, unless you want me to. This makes me an ex-officio therapist for some people. I’m still deciding whether that’s good or bad.

I like when people tell me things, thinking that they can trust me with what they are going through—and they can. I’m not sure I’m all that good with advice when it’s asked for, but I think a lot of people just want someone to listen. They know what they need to do to resolve a situation, but talking to yourself isn’t the same as telling another person. That makes it more real—and puts the talker into the position of doing something about it. After all, how many times can you tell the same story, have the same solution, and then do nothing about it? (Don’t try to answer that; we all know it can happen repeatedly.)

So, how do I handle the therapy issue? First, I try not to be looking at the person. I love the speaker phone because while I’m listening, I’m multi-tasking. For example, in a 20-minute rant from the phone, I can write an entire blog. Or I can get dressed—some calls are early in the morning. Or how about doing some cleaning, paying the bills—yes, a few of those still go by handwritten check left in an envelope in the mail box.

And how does the other person feel? Usually, better. They’ve had a chance to complain, whether about the same thing for the 12^th time or something new. They go off feeling better, and with some fresh views that they have figured out themselves on how to solve their problems—whether it’s the umpteenth rendition of that advice or something totally new. And more positive reinforcement for their actions, even if the “therapist” doesn’t agree.

Next patient!!